


kintsukuroi (please repair my heart)

by dykenini



Category: (여자)아이들 | (G)I-DLE
Genre: F/F, Multi, but dont worry, she sad, shes healing, soyeon is a liddol bean, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:00:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26561053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dykenini/pseuds/dykenini
Summary: alt title; angel wings (i dont know how to fly)soyeon doesnt know who she is anymore. all she knows is that she despises the creature that is jeon soyeon.akame projecting onto my ult female bias for ten months of my life
Relationships: Cho Miyeon/Jeon Soyeon, Cho Miyeon/Jeon Soyeon/Minnie Nicha Yontararak, Everyone/Everyone, Jeon Soyeon/Minnie Nicha Yontararak, Jeon Soyeon/Seo Soojin, Jeon Soyeon/Seo Soojin/Minnie Nicha Yontararak, Jeon Soyeon/Song Yuqi, Jeon Soyeon/Song Yuqi/Yeh Shuhua, Jeon Soyeon/Yeh Shuhua
Comments: 6
Kudos: 32





	kintsukuroi (please repair my heart)

soyeon sits in the studio, humming along to the opening chords of the latest song for their comeback. as the next notes strike, she opens her mouth to sing. her voice pours out, soulful and beautiful. except its not. 

at least not to her. 

all she can hear is the repeating beat of her heart in her ears and the voice. it won't shut up. 

ba dum. ba dum. ba dum. you will never be enough. 

she huffs in frustration and bangs her head on the table, knowing its not her fault but also feeling that it is. why can't she just record the fucking demo?

shes so lost in her mind that she doesn't hear the door open. 

"soyeon? whats going on? have you finished recording for today? are you coming home?"

minnie asks so many questions that soyeon doesnt want to answer but its minnie so she does. "uh 'm just tired i guess.." she lets out a yawn for effect, sure that its unconvincing and that minnie will yell but she just seems worried. 

"why were you here for so long?" she asks curiously. "never mind lets just go home."

that word again. home. is it really soyeons home. she doesn't belong there with those beautiful girls. too ugly. on the outside and in. if only they knew what went on in her head they'd kick her out of the group. 

but minnie smiles at her dazed expression and picks her up, resting soyeons head on her shoulder. "come on baby..its time to go home."

minnie, perfect minnie who shone like a star snatched from the night sky. minnie who's smile lit up a whole room with its beauty. minnie whos voice made people swoon. minnie who soyeon was so afraid would hate her. minnie minnie minnie. 

soyeon grumbles and clutches on to minnie, the thoughts still rumbling in her head. 

ba dum. ba dum. ba dum. you will never be enough. 

––––––––––

they get home and minnie places her on the couch before running to get shuhua who is always open to cuddles because soyeon really needs some right now. 

and soyeon wonders how she knew. soyeon wonders things a lot. her brain is constantly whirring. 

sometimes she looks around their dorm and wonders how it would look if she wasn't here. overall there seems to be no loss. and thats how she knows. 

she doesn't mean anything to them. it was just cube who put them together and now theyre stuck this way. 

but it would have stayed the same if she was just a producer. if she'd just given up on her dreams of performing on stage and hearing crowds roar her name. 

and given up on having people think she's pretty. she's not. she only got into idle because she can rap (badly) and produce songs (meh) plus she's quote unquote 'charismatic' which she doesn't think she is. 

but she so desperately wants to be pretty. and feel like a princess on stage. 

but people like her dont get that. 

ba dum. ba dum. ba dum. you will nev-

"unnie!"

the rythm is cut off by her little shuhua throwing herself at soyeon. "haven't seen you in forever!"

soyeon scoffs. "its been two days."

"yeah two days too long. i want to see you every single night because your face makes me smile." shuhua snuggles into soyeons tummy. 

"yeah sure whatever.." 

make her smile? hahaha. 

ba dum. ba dum. ba dum. 

––––––––––

its a rythm soyeon is so familiar with. shes never gone a day without it. before idle she was never enough for her friends or her family or anyone not even herself. 

but she's so tired. she thinks she just wants to be happy. but thats too hard. 

she stares around at her empty room and looks towards the box she knows is in her bedside drawer. 

but deep down she knows she wont do it. memories of soojin sobbing and bandaging her thighs, wrists, stomach, everywhere fill her head. she wont do it. wont hurt soojin again. because shes already done enough. 

a gentle knock reverberates through the room. "yeoni!"

soyeon answers, the words leaving her mouth with difficulty, worried that even though its hidden, that small box will be found by yuqi, opened up to reveal her most shameful, festering secret. she worries everytime they come into her room. 

yuqi pushes open the door and settles onto soyeons lap. "yeoni can you help me?"

soyeon nods but inside her head she declines. how can i help her when i cant even help me?

but yuqi smiles softly and buries her face in soyeons hair and soyeon knows she'd go to hell and back if it would help this girl. 

"not a good day?" soyeon asks quietly, already knowing the answer. 

yuqi nods and lets out a strangled sob. "its just that netizens are so mean and im never good enough!"

soyeon could tell. she'd seen yuqi singing the same line over and over and over until her voice cracked and she couldn't sing. 

sometimes soyeon thinks she and yuqi are both reflections of each other. both broken and hurting. but one wants help and the other cant accept anything the members try to give her. 

but this is about yuqi. 

"what was wrong baby?"

"its just that i don't think im good enough. my voice is too weird and my face is uneven. i dont think nevies really love me when they could have you or shuhua or minnie or anyone except yuqi!" she sobs into soyeons hair and clutches tighter. "yeoni what do i do?"

"okay one lets get you your stuffie." soyeon reaches over to her nightstand and pulls out yuqis emotional support stuffie. "and two im gonna tell you something."

yuqi chews on the ear of her bunny and stares curiously at soyeon through her tears. 

"you are stunning yuqi. sometimes i look at you and i think you came from the sky because only a star could be this perfect. i feel as if the stars look at you and wonder which of them fell."

"your voice is deep and melodic and so so beautiful and your face is the most beautiful i've ever seen. yuqi please believe me when i say theres so much to love about you." 

"and one day i know youll be healthy and happy and we'll all be enough and happy and fuck what netizens think because song yuqi you are perfect." soyeon finishes in a rush and very nearly claps her hand over her mouth because that sounded like a love confession and she cant say that. 

but yuqi is so perfect and she didn't lie one single bit. sometimes she's afraid that yuqi will go. that the stars will reclaim her as one of their own. and yuqi, whos eyes are like tiny suns and whose heart is so big it can love everyone but these two broken girls, that yuqi will go. 

that yuqi will start to love herself which soyeon so desperately wants but that means yuqi won't talk to her anymore. and she'll be stuck in this pit of self hate long after yuqi goes. 

and its so selfish of her because why should she drag yuqi down with her just because she cant recover?

so she holds yuqi tighter and whispers praise in her ears while fighting back tears because she loves her so much that if yuqi wants go she'll be okay with losing her. 

they fall asleep together that night, a mirror image of the countless times yuqi has come up. the younger girl is sucking on her stuffies ear and soyeon is holding her gently, afraid that she'll break. 

yuqi stirs. "yeoni? when will we be enough?"

and soyeon doesn't know how to answer so she just pretends to be asleep.

ba dum. ba dum. ba dum. 

––––––––––

soyeon has long suspected that the others had some kind of relationship going on. 

soojin and shuhua had been a little too close that one time soyeon walked in and minnie really seemed to love miyeon. 

and soyeon is sure she'd heard um noises coming from the other bedroom. 

but nevermind. it isnt her business. theyre all happy and thats what matters. and the way they love each other is so beautiful and pure.

she wont let herself ruin that for them. 

and she might like them more than is normal but thats irrelevant because they dont like her. so she convinces herself that she doesnt love them. that she doesn't want to just push open the door and kiss them all. because she doesn't. really. 

if you say it enough, you start to believe it. and so she does. 

she puts on a smile when she sees the others kissing and ignores the gnawing ache in the pit of her stomach. she doesn't love them. 

she walks past her room when the door is closed and the muffled sounds come through, resisting the urge to walk in. she doesnt love them. 

and it hurts. and she can feel her heart splintering into a billion sharp pieces that tear at her insides but she deals with it. 

and if her ribs folded in and her lungs were torn and her windpipe was blocked and she couldnt breathe because they didnt love her back that would be okay. because they deserve to be happy. 

ba dum. ba dum. ba dum. 

––––––––––

its 4am and soyeon still cant sleep. she's in her room alone and she hasnt seen any of the others in hours. probably snuggled up in the other bedroom. so in love with each other that they've forgotten she exists. but thats okay because what is there to remember?

and she'd gotten home so early and eaten so she hadn't even seen them at dinner. pathetic. 

why did she get home early you may ask. well everything was going wrong. her voice was cracking, her dancing was slower and she could tell that the choreographer wanted to slap her. 

she curls into a little ball and sobs, absolutely certain that her sheets are a mess but not able to find it in herself to care. 

she needs to be better. better and better for nevies and for idle and for cube and her family at home and for everyone because shes letting them down and thats bad. and every single time she tries to close her eyes she can't. 

so she gets up and she dances, practicing the movements over and over until her legs are cramping. then and only then does she collapse onto the ground where she lies until 6am when shes called out for breakfast.

ba dum. ba dum. ba dum. 

––––––––––

soyeon can see the stress being placed on shuhua is hurting her. 

opening for lion will be hard. and she will have to do it all alone. so soyeon cares for her. 

"you know you can tell me anything right? i will always be here to listen, okay babydoll?" soyeon says one night, lying next to shuhua in bed. 

"yeah..i know. thank you unnie." shuhua says weakly, not even bothering to make it sound realistic. 

soyeon reaches out to her, holding her hand until they both wake up the next morning. and when they are half awake she vows to protect shuhua from everything. and make her life so easy. 

she does everything she can to make sure her shuhua is healthy. forces her to come back at a healthy time, makes her eat, spoils her like the princess she is. praises her every night in the dark before they inevitably fall asleep in an entangled knot. 

and the others notice. watching soyeon run herself ragged but still trying to help shuhua and all of them is so hard to see but they know she'll deny it. 

and soyeon knows she doesnt deserve gratitude. that shes just doing her job as leader. 

but shuhua gives it anyway. murmuring soft words of thanks one night. 

and just before soyeon drifts off she can almost swear that she hears shuhua mutter a quiet "i love you" before sleeping. 

it reassures her. shes being an okay leader. maybe shes not a good idol but at least theres one thing shes good at. 

ba dum. ba dum. ba dum. 

––––––––––

soyeon is looking after all of them. and she pretends shes okay. 

she pretends it doesn't hurt when she sees the splotchy red and purple marks adorning soojins torso when shes changing. 

she pretends she doesnt need to be with them. pretends that the sight of them happy together doesnt leave an ache in her heart. 

she pretends until every apsect of her life is fake and she can't remember a time when she was real. 

its been so long since she started taking care of them. 

she still hasnt stopped. 

when soojin catches a cold soyeon nurses her, shooing a curious miyeon out of the room so soojin can rest. 

she looks at soojins lips, so dry and cracked but she would give anything to kiss them. she looks at soojins cheeks, flushed a bright red from fever and thinks how she longs to press kisses to that beautiful face. she looks at her eyes, glazed over and unfocused and wonders how they would look in a different, less innocent scenario. 

she shakes her head hastily and silently scolds herself. she shouldn't be thinking this!

"yeoni?" 

soyeon flinches and immediately refocuses. "what is it? thirsty? hungry?"

"i- what day is it?" soojins fingers are scrabbling to clutch onto the blanket. 

"uh its wednesday today. you have today and tomorrow off." soyeon finishes speaking and assumes soojin will go back to sleep. shes not prepared for the next words to come out of soojins mouth. 

"yeoni..you know what's going on with yuqi and miyeon and the others right?" soojin stares up at her, her gaze still unfocused. 

soyeon stares, not knowing how to react to the words. what was she going to say? her emotions were mixed. on one hand she was happy they were able to be open about it but on the other hand it feels like knives slicing her chest open and a hand reaching in to crush her heart. 

but shes not in love with them. no. never. 

and so she strokes soojins hair and dampens her forehead with a cloth and doesn't answer but just smiles gently. 

"are you okay with it?" soojins asks the exact question that soyeon doesn't want to hear. now or ever. 

but soojin knows she knows and wont let her dodge the question. 

she reaches up and tilts soyeons face towards hers, silently demanding an answer. 

"i-im happy for you. youre all together and i wish you the best of luck with your relationship." she fakes a smile and places a fluttering kiss to the back of soojins hand. 

"no i mean how do you feel about us.." soojin persists, glaring at soyeon. 

"what do you-"

"yeoni! stop dancing around it! the others wanna know if you like us the same way we like you!" soojin interlinked their fingers. "because we love you. you know that right?"

soyeon stares at her in shock and horror. because soojins implying that theyve found out that soyeon likes them in a way that she cant. that she will never be good enough to. 

and soojin is implying that they like her the same way. 

which is impossible because theyre all so perfect and soyeon is soyeon. they said it on all the shows. shes ugly. never good enough. 

breathing is getting difficult so soyeon unlinks their hands and stands up. "your fever should go down soon. call the others if you need anything." she says coolly. 

"yeoni- yeoni what are you doing? where are you going?" soojin asks in confusion. 

"im going out. goodnight soojin."

ba dum. ba dum. ba dum. 

––––––––––

when soojin gets better it gets awkward. 

she clearly hasnt told anyone about their conversation and soyeon hasnt told a single soul so its obviously just between them. 

she skirts around soojin, offering the smallest of kindnesses to her. a bottle of water during practice. a small nod sent her way on stage. but she doesn't talk to her. no. never. 

its a week before oh my god releases (so exactly 13 days since soojin was sick not that soyeon was counting) and soyeon still gets the feeling that soojin knows what oh my god is about. 

her secret, unforgivable desires. to kiss them and touch them and have them look at her the way they look at each other. 

theyre a sugar coated drug and she cant get enough. 

if this is sin then she'll gladly pay the price. 

she ignores her feelings. that is until she walks by her bedroom while the door is ajar. 

"i tried to tell her but she freaked out i think! what do we do?" soojin hisses. 

"well..she doesnt like us i guess. we should leave it alone. we dont harass straight girls." minnie responds, sounding unsure in her response. 

"no i know she likes us. i just know it. i can see the way she looks at all of us." soojin argues, still whisper shouting. 

"well we should have told her sooner. maybe she feels left out." minnie yells back quietly. 

its not being left out that makes soyeons heart ache. they could include her right now and their love would be just as special as if they'd been together from the beginning. 

but this. right now. platonic love. its all she deserves. no its more than she deserves. 

to think of touching and kissing and loving them openly in a way further than platonic is addictive. its a drug and she cant get enough. she's probably crazy but she has to have it. 

"maybe its the stress of our comeback. you know she gets so much hate."

soyeon hadn't known they'd noticed. 

"antis target her just because shes our leader and shes hiding it from us. i know she is. and i want to be with her. because i think im in love with her soojin. but i cant put more pressure on her. simply because i love her. i dont want her to suffer."

and soyeon stares at the door because that just sounded like they care and love her. they really care. 

no. no they cant. 

soyeon should believe it. but for the past few weeks her heart has ben crushed in an abyss of despair so deep the shadows swallow any light that gets down there. 

she needs to be better. 

she hurries on, her head down and trying to hide her face for no particular reason. 

ba dum. ba dum. ba dum. 

––––––––––

their comeback goes fine. 

nevies go crazy over the song, analysing the lyrics as if there's no end. 

the music shows, the stages, the lives, everything. everything is so perfect. teetering over the edge but just balancing. 

soyeon interlocks her hand with shuhuas as they bow to accept their fourth win. 

as soon as she can snatch her hand away she does, feeling bad for even touching shuhua. marring her perfect beauty. 

she's so engrossed in scolding herself as they walk off the stage that she doesn't notice the confused, slightly hurt look that shuhua gives her. 

––––––––––

soyeon flops down on the couch. they'd just gotten back from their last show. 

she knows that they'll watch the fancams. she already knows they'll watch hers first. and they'll be complimenting her like crazy. 

but to her relief something happens before they can praise her over enthusiastically and probably insincerely. 

minnie clears her throat. 

"s-so i uh thought i would tell you guys something. i was gonna save it for another occasion but i don't wanna lie to the rest of you guys anymore." she fidgets, pulling away from miyeon and standing up, pacing the room before coming to a stop. 

she takes a deep breath before blurting out two shocking words. "im nonbinary."

yuqi whips her head up so quickly that she smacks shuhua in the chin. "youre what?"

"yeah im nonbinary. i go by she/xem pronouns."

"xey?" 

"uh yeah. theyre a set of neopronouns. xe/xem/xyrs.."

soojin nods her head. "okay. sure babe. thats perfectly fine. now come sit your ass down so we can watch some fancams."

minnie laughs and jumps onto soojin. 

almost immediately the lights black out. 

"uh...."

that is the last thing soyeon hears before she retreats into her mind. 

––––––––––

soyeon looks around at the inside of her headspace. 

it changes everytime and this time its the kitchen of her childhood home. 

she hears her name and turns around to see her girlfriend from when she was 16 waving at her. 

"hey babe!" she was taken aback by the sudden weight thrown at her as the girl jumped onto her in a clinging hug. 

"hey eunnie." she says quietly, knowing what'll happen next. 

and predictably it does. 

eunnie leans in to kiss her and the door bursts open. 

"jeon soyeon! what did i say about having boys in the house with the door clos-"

soyeon pushes the girl away from her. "papa i can explain."

"go on then.." her furious father says, tapping his foot impatiently. 

"we were practicing because she's never kissed a guy before and she wanted to know how to so she could kiss her boyfriend."

"so why not kiss a boy?"

"that's cheating and she'd never cheat on her boyfriend."

"well i- just remember that girls shouldnt kiss girls. it's unnatural."

with that her father left. and so did her girlfriend.

"so you think our relationship isnt real?" the girl said angrily. 

"no i-" but it was too late.

eunnie had already stormed out and soyeon knew what the aftermath was. 

the stares at school. kids yelling "dyke!" as she passed. the boys telling her she just need the right man. the girls flinching when she tried to talk to them. 

but it got worse. the bruises after school. her uniform shredded when she stumbled home. 

and the biggest hurt of all. 

soyeon winces, remembering what had happened all those years ago. 

––––––––––

[20th of March 2016]

soyeon walks down the dark street, on her way home from the studio after recording vocals for a track she was producing for a friend. 

she turns down an alleyway, getting ready to jump over the rusty fence at the end but before she can, two large pairs of hands grab her. 

she tries to scream but a third pair claps over her mouth and a hoarse voice whispers in her ear. "shut the fuck up if you want to live."

she shuts the fuck up. 

she is thrown harshly against the ground, scraping her arms and legs against the coarse ground. 

she whimpers, looking up at her attackers. they're all masked and all she can see are their glittering eyes. 

"so..word got around that you were accusing eun ae of being gay." one of them kneels down and stares her directly in the eyes. 

"y-yes...she was my girlfriend." soyeon starts with a slight tremor in her voice but steels herself and controls her voice. 

"she's not a fucking lesbian!" another one of the boys yells angrily. "my sister is not like you! shes normal!"

"woo...please dont do this.." she begs, knowing it won't work but desperately hoping. 

"call me by my full name. freaks like you don't get to call me nicknames. its kim woojin or nothing you bitch." he spits aggressively, stepping towards her threateningly. 

"god you guys are useless." the third boy steps forward and nods his head towards the first boy. "flip her."

soyeon doesn't register his voice as immediately afterwards she is flipped onto her stomach. 

she struggles but her head is forced against the ground. she breathes heavily, feeling the rough asphalt scrape against her cheek. 

"twist her face as up as you can. i want to see the pain in her eyes." the third boy says, his voice demanding. 

she feels a gloved hand cup her jaw and force her head upwards until it hurt. another hand rips her shirt off and unclasps her bra. 

the small pain of her bones aching and cheek stinging are abruptly cut off as white hot pain flashes immediately. 

she feels nothing. after the initial torture there is simply nothing to feel. 

she just..lies there in that alleyway, bleeding out but too weak to cry for help. (secretly she knows she's also scared but it takes so much therapy to admit that being the reason she doesn't cry out.) 

she doesn't know who found her but the next thing she knows, she's in an ambulance and the nice lady is asking her what her name is. 

"i don't..i dont know..."

and to her surprise she genuinely doesn't. she spends the next year relearning who she is. feeling robbed of happiness. 

and when she meets them. 

her girls. 

well maybe she remembers. she pretends she doesn't. 

plays up the amnesiac hospital patient story. but she has a feeling they know. 

but they never ask. never ask for details. never mention the jagged scars running from her shoulders to her hips. 

they just dab on the concealer, acting as if it was just acne and not proof of a damaged past. 

and she thinks she loves them for that.

––––––––––

[Present Day]

soyeon shakes awake, suddenly alert and looking around at her surroundings. 

the lights are back on and everything seems to be fin-

scratch that. the icky feeling is back because she's watching yuqi and shuhua kiss. and its not like she wants to kiss them both (yes she does) but she really thinks there's something wrong with the current scene. 

so she lies there (just like she did all those years ago) and contemplates her life decisions. 

to her surprise, even after they all get up to go to bed, miyeon stays behind. 

"whats up mimi?"

miyeon crawls over to her and stares at her in a strange way. 

soyeon looks back at her, completely ensnared. its as if miyeon has taken up all her senses and she doesn't notice anything or anyone else. 

"you're so beautiful yeoni. my pretty, talented yeoni. all mine. you know that right?" miyeons tone is light, almost in a teasing manner. her face directly contradicts that, utterly serious. 

miyeon crawls closer, so shes almost on soyeons lap and stares at her earnestly.

she takes soyeons hands in her own and soyeon focuses on that, on her own small hands interlinked with miyeons. she finally looks back up at miyeon. 

"i like you so much yeoni." miyeon's smiling softly at her now, her face so sincere that soyeon cant help but believe her. 

"i like you so much and i dont want to pressure you and you can say no but i just..." miyeon pauses. "i just like you so much and i dont know what to do, and you like me too dont you?"

and there it is. the time where soyeon cant get up and just go. 

maybe its because of how well the comeback went or maybe because of the love drunk atmosphere of the dorm but she cant bring herself to get up. 

maybe its because she cant keep her splintered heart together on her own anymore. 

(it'll hurt later. when soyeons heart finally shatters. miyeon will be so nice, so kind as she ultimately rejects soyeon. but for now soyeon will let herself pretend.)

she nods and miyeons face lights up. just that simple sight makes soyeon throw her worries out the proverbial window and smile back, albeit wanly. 

"thats a relief! my pretty, pretty yeoni likes me back," miyeon sing-songs and soyeon ducks her head, her cheeks burning. 

miyeon laughs and it's not mean and in fact it makes soyeons flutter, even more so when she looks up and witnesses miyeon leaning in. 

miyeon presses kisses onto soyeons cheek and her other cheek, forehead and nose, whispering little compliments about each little thing. 

and soyeon has never thought her cheeks are "adorable, squishy little things" or that her nose is "a perfect little baby nose" but miyeon just may convince her. 

miyeon pulls away, her face just as flushed as soyeons must be. her intention is clear as her gaze drifts to soyeons lips. 

"we dont have to. you can say no." miyeon offers and soyeon shakes her head, intention firm in her mind. 

"its okay.." she offers and she doesnt think she sounds too sure because her voice is wavering and oh fuck miyeon is kissing her. 

her heart is absolutely hammering in her chest and she's afraid it will simply burst because holy shit miyeon is 𝘬𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 her and she never thought miyeon would taste this goddamn 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥. 

and she can barely kiss back but she manages. all in all it's short. but when miyeon sits back happily, that's when the panic sets in. 

because miyeon is dating minnie, soojin, shuhua and yuqi but she's not dating soyeon. 

"yeoni? we all really like you."

and any other night soyeon would have gotten up and left the room, would have dodged the possibilities but maybe tonight would be different.

tonight she lets the possibility of love sink in under her skin, under her ribs and settle right into her heart. 

"i really like you too." the admission is the hardest thing soyeon has ever said. it feels like she's just whispered the dirtiest secret in the whole wide world. that this confession will, in the end, be her undoing. 

miyeons eyes are sparkling as she leans forward to kiss soyeon and soyeons face is flushed as she reciprocates the act of affection. 

they're interrupted by a shriek. surprised, they whirl around to see shuhua who is evidently as shocked as them.

miyeon laughs quietly. "shes gonna be so jealous i got to kiss you.."

"you kissed yeoni-eonni? eonni she got to kiss you? how long has this been a thing? when did we start being allowed to kiss yeoni?" shuhua speaks so fast that soyeons head is spinning. 

"whats all this about kissing yeoni?" soojin appears in the room, closely followed by the others. they're all in various states of disarray, having scrambled from their respective rooms at shuhuas exclamation. minnies hair is wet. 

soyeon didn't even know xe had gotten into the shower. and she certainly hadn't heard it end. 

a small amount of the suppressed panic begins to stir in her stomach because the reminder that they were all dating (that they might want to date her too) was too sudden. 

"we were gonna do it together.." yuqi whines, and miyeons smile turns sheepish. 

"you're just jealous," minnie announces, hurriedly finishing with "as are we.." at the glare she got. 

miyeon looks back at her and the bright smile adorning her face fades suddenly. "sorry yeoni. we were gonna do it together. so i guess we should talk about it."

and once upon a time it would have been the easiest thing in the world to stand up and go to her room. to pretend that miyeon was a little too high on serotonin at the time. to will it all away and believe it never happened. 

but now..now she cant move herself off the couch and she finds that maybe she wants this. 

"okay." she says simply and soojin shuffles them all into the room to sit in a messy circle. 

soyeon is balanced on the arm of the couch and that seems to upset yuqi whos pouting about not sitting next to her but miyeon refuses to move and perhaps that calms soyeon down slightly. because if miyeon is sticking beside her through this, it'll be okay. 

they're all touching each other. so tactile, spread out and comfortable and soyeon is hit with the realisation that she could have that too. 

that comfort and trust that neither of you will hurt the other. she wants that. 

"what did miyeon tell you?" soojin asks and soyeon swallows down her panic. 

"that you all l-like...that you like me.." she replies, barely believing herself. it feels like shes going to wake up any moment from this dream and find out that she's been having more delusions. 

the confirmation rings around the room, the other four murmuring their agreement. soojin quietens them, voice deadly serious as she asks the crucial question. 

"okay. and do you like us back?"

soyeon falters because well..admitting her secret to one person was hard. admitting it to four others? possibly the most difficult thing she will ever do. 

she thinks maybe they'll laugh. reject her. admit this was all a joke and was she really stupid enough to fall for it?

ba dum ba dum ba dum

miyeon squeezes her hand and soyeon steels herself to say the words. she closes her eyes because maybe the rejection wont hurt as much if she cant see the disgust in their eyes. 

"i do. i like you guys a lot. i like you so fucking much."

and then silence. 

she doesnt hear the laughter that she thought she would. in fact the only sound she can hear is miyeon whispering for her to open her eyes. 

she opens her eyes to find that they've all moved closer and their eyes are kind and their smiles are warm and she thinks her heart could just burst into a billion tiny butterflies. 

and when yuqi asks if she wants to join them, if she wants to try dating them all..well soyeon almost can't answer. 

because never in her dizziest daydreams could she have thought of this. that they wanted her. her of all people. 

"yes! please.." the second word she utters is a whisper, completely overshadowed by the louder word preceding it. the word they'd all wanted to hear. 

they scramble up and this time she sees the way their faces are lit. sees minnie throwing xyrself at soyeon. 

"my girlfriend!" xe cheer, keeping her pinned onto the couch. "ah, so many pretty girlfriends! but i'm the prettiest, aren't i, yeoni?"

soyeon is too flustered to reply but it doesn't seem like minnie cares as she continues. "as your prettiest girlfriend can i kiss you?"

soyeon nods and lets out a weak chuckle but its drowned out by the outraged noises and the noise of the scramble to be her second kiss. 

she doesn't remember what order they go in, only remembering the kisses, fleeting and perfect. each of them are so gentle with her, almost as if they feel she will break. 

well..to be fair she just might. 

it ends too quickly, shuhua rushing her to the bathroom to shower. 

"take your time eonni! dont rush. just relax." shuhua yelps as she is pulled out of the room by miyeon. 

but contrary to shuhuas insistence, soyeon rushes. because in the shower she's alone with just the rushing water. 

and when she's alone its too easy for those thoughts to slip in. for that oh so familiar rythm to start up again, thumping in her ears. 

ba dum. ba dum. ba dum. 

no. 

she wants to be happy. she wants to be the girlfriend of five people who like her back. 

she doesn't want to believe that shes not good enough. doesn't want to believe she'll fuck up the only good thing happening to her. 

she wants to think that even if she doesn't like herself, maybe she can love them enough to make up for it. 

––––––––––

promotions have been finished and they're straight back in the studio, working on everything. 

their japanese songs, english songs, dumdi dumdi. its all piling up and soyeon doesnt know what to do. 

they're currently in the dance practice room taking a small break. some of them are collapsed around, drinking water and just straight vibing.

soyeons back is currently propped against the wall, staring at the mirror. her movements were all fucked up. not fast enough but too fast, not tight enough but also not loose enough. she hasnt been able to catch up on this new choreo which is definitely a first for her. 

soojin is the only one standing, actually looking at herself in the mirror. her hair is pulled back off her sweaty face and her movements are precise. 

and soyeon watches, knows she should get up and practice. learn that stupid drum movement. but she can't. 

its almost a declaration of her lack of strength. almost shouting out that she cant handle the idol life. cant handle the not even difficult choreography. 

soojins confidence is something soyeon wishes she had. the ability to just believe in her abilities and have no hesitation in showing herself off. 

its something every idol should have, that beautiful confidence. 

though there are times when it's gone. 

when soojin climbs into her bed and hugs her the whole night. when soyeon pretends not to hear the slight muttering soojin lets out in her sleep. muttering of fans leaving her, her dance faltering, anything related to the stage really. 

though those times never last. soojin has built up this shield around herself and soyeon wishes she knew how. 

soojin notices her staring and smirks. 

the taller girl strides over and sits herself down on soyeons lap, bracketing her in with her legs. 

"can't help but stare?" soojins tone is teasing, her smirk still firmly in place. she leans in close to soyeon, mind set on riling the smaller girl up - in that way that soojin loves to tease all of them. 

"my pretty baby." soojin kisses her cheek gently. "can't help but stare at someone as pretty as me, can she?"

a bitter snake twists inside of soyeon but its almost comforting in its familiarity. 

because today is one of those days. today she can't look in the mirror. today she doesn't pull down her mask, even as it gets harder to breathe. today she has her hair out, pulling it to cover her face. 

because she doesnt want to see herself. doesnt want them to see her. 

because shes not pretty. and pretty things get to be looked at. ugly things like her hide away in the shadows, desperate for light, but knowing theyre undeserving. 

soojin presses her forehead against soyeons shoulder and moves to pull down her mask. 

soyeon panics and grabs soojins hands, playing with her fingers. 

soojin is perfect. soojin is gorgeous. soojin shouldn't have to look at something like soyeon. shouldnt have to pretend she was pretty just to spare soyeon the embarrassment of being called ugly by her girlfriend. 

"the teacher will be here soon.." she warns. shes melting because of soojins proximity to her, wants to hide away from it all and, mean as it is she knows the threat of being found in such a compromising position should get soojin off her. 

it works, but only reluctantly does soojin get up, causing guilt to roil in soyeons stomach. she pushed her girlfriend away because what? she wanted to hide at that moment?

at that moment the dance teacher comes in, apologising for taking such a long break. 

soyeon just pulls her mask up and gets into formation. 

watching herself in the mirror is torture, her reflection almost mocking her. too slow. too sloppy. too soyeon. never soojin. 

ba dum. ba dum. ba dum.

––––––––––

she's trying to be better. 

she's trying so hard because she knows she can't love the others the way they deserve if she cant love herself. 

and they deserve to be loved so, so much. a thousand million times more than she can give them. 

she knows they know. 

knows the answers to all the unspoken questions. 

knows why they treat her like broken glass. so fragile and delicate. as if she will break from the slightest raise in tone. 

its maddening. infuriating. 

but they treat her like shes treasure. something worth protecting. they dont push her. rush her. force her to do anything. 

its hard because soyeon wants to give them the whole world. 

but she struggles with even the barest of things. she rarely goes further than kissing with them and when she does, its under the blanket of the night, unable to see herself. and she always gives, never takes. 

and everytime they try. try to make her feel so good but everytime she refuses. its not them. she knows they'll make her feel so good but-

she doesnt want their attention on her. on her puny body. she cant have them worshipping a body that she doesnt feel good about. that she doesn't like. 

some days are better. 

like when yuqi sits on her lap and kisses her forehead. kisses her eyelids. kisses her cheeks. pushes her hair back out of her face and soyeon doesnt stop her. doesn't listen to the voice telling her to hide her face. telling her that shes lacking. 

"your hair's grown so quick eonni...are you going to cut it?" yuqi voices her thought and soyeon doesnt know what to say. 

"i- well i dont know.." she stammers quietly. 

"well how can you even see with all that in your eyes?" yuqi asks, her tone demanding. 

𝘪 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 soyeon wants to scream. scream that she doesnt want to see her ugly fucking face. scream until her lungs explode. just a wordless torrent, encompassing the anguish she feels. 

and she wants to whisper. whisper that she hates herself a little. whisper that she cant look in the mirror without impulsively turning to look at her back in the mirror. to look at what her therapist christened 'angel wings' because "youre strong soyeon. you'll get through this. and those angel wings will be a reminder of your suffering and strength" which is quite frankly bullshit. 

because right now soyeon doesnt feel strong. she feels like she wants to melt into a ball and weep. 

instead she smiles. "well i quite like my hair this way. but i could think about cutting it i guess.."

and before yuqi can respond soyeon kisses her. shes found its a good technique to distract them. and it works quite well this time. yuqi melts easily and it will never not thrill soyeon that she has that effect on them. 

but some days are so much worse. 

like when soyeon shatters the mirror in their bathroom and they find her crying in an ocean of broken glass. 

she never tells them why she picked up that hairbrush. 

never tells them that she couldn't bear looking at herself. that she could only see the flaws. that all she could point out were the insecurities she'd lived with for years. 

never tells them about the tears that mingled with the broken glass under her feet. 

the tears that fell when she decided to break up with them. because that would hurt less than them leaving her as they inevitably would. 

the tears that fell as she realised she couldn't do it. couldn't break up with them. 

maybe it was selfish of her but she wanted them. for as long as she could have them she would keep them close. 

ba dum. ba dum. ba dum. 

she's come to notice that on those days they always find her. there's always one of them hushing her gently, rocking her to sleep, placing gentle kisses on her nose and forehead and the corners of her lips while whispering just how much they adore her. 

minnie finds her today, as soon as soyeon gets back from the studio. 

she's been improving and she actually did quite well but today. well today she just cant stand being herself. 

but as soon as she walks through the door, she notices minnie on the couch. 

minnie immediately pounces on her, laughing and giggling, the brightest smile on her face. 

xe arent the type to be overly affectionate but once you have xyr attention, it's hard to escape. 

"yeoni! i had the best idea ever! let's go out to dinner together! just you and me..if you want?" minnie sounds like an overexcited puppy in the beginning but her excitement fades into an unsure kind of curiosity. 

and soyeon doesnt want to go outside, wants to hide her face away from everyone but she's always been weak for minnie (for all of them really) so she agrees. 

minnie offers to wait for soyeon to get changed but she declines. she feels that if she were to go up to her room she might have a breakdown over what she's wearing. what's appropriate, what looks good on her, what covers her up the best -

she knows it sounds stupid but its easy with the practice clothes. if she doesnt put in the effort to look good, nobody can judge her for trying to. 

minnie seems satisfied with soyeons choice even though now shes worrying about whether minnie thinks that soyeon doesnt want to put in effort for her. because minnie always looks so good, and soyeon currently looks like a mess. 

still, minnie excitedly pulls her out the front door and fills soyeons lack of contribution to their conversation with her own chatter. "the others are ordering in so if you're still hungry when we get home you can eat their food. do you mind if we take the bus?"

and soyeon does mind, because the bus means more eyes on her and someone might recognise them. but she takes out her transport card and smiles under her mask. "course i dont mind."

minnie doesnt seem to mind soyeons quietness, just shares an earbud and plays girls generation until they get to the restaurant. 

soyeon lets herself be led into the restaurant and someone must have cranked up the thermostat because its warm enough that she would rather take off her jacket than keep it on. exposing her arms is better than melting to death. 

minnie is quite perceptive. she realises that although soyeon doesnt want to talk, she wants minnie to fill the silence. 

and so xe do. chattering on about their comeback and the cover yuqi was filming and oh my god she really loves the new stray kids songs.

soyeon is so absorbed in minnies chatter that she forgets she has to take her mask off to eat until the food is placed infront of her. she considers not eating but reasons that minnie would worry too much and thats the opposite of what she wants. 

when she takes off her mask she is shocked that minnie doesnt recoil in the way she expected. instead xe just continue to eat. 

soyeon thinks shes genuinely in love. minnie never ceases her chatter and for that soyeon is eternally grateful. 

on the way home minnie hums along to girls generation and holds soyeons hand. 

the steady flow of chatter takes her mind away from the murky cloud of hatred that constantly surround her mind and before she fully realises it, minnie is pulling her through their front door and calling out for the others. 

soyeon taps her on the shoulder, indicating that she's gonna go to bed. 

minnie nods, presses a quick kiss to her cheek and whispers a hushed "i love you."

soyeon stands there shell shocked. though they all knew they loved each other, they'd never really told each other this explicitly. 

it seems minnie is as shocked as her since xe turn and hurry down to the kitchen, a warm glow emanating from the open door. 

and soyeon just stands there, shoes in one hand and head full. there are so many things she wants to say. 

'i love you,' she wants to say. 

'and im sorry you love me'

––––––––––

soyeon is so goddamn comfortable with the machinations of her mind, with the rythm of her heart, that she almost doesnt realise how much shes cracked. 

its almost frightening how the words are so familiar. advising (no, demanding) that she hide herself away, not showing anyone her face. because shes not good enough. 

ba dum. ba dum. ba dum. 

her heart is beating strong, as it always has. with it comes a familiar song. 

you will never be enough. 

it sings in her ears, changing volume but never leaving. always there. 

its all normal for her. hide away from the others, practice, dont look in mirrors. hide, practice, never look. she doesnt know any better anymore. 

its been so long that she almost doesnt remember what she looks like. 

she practices, practices to make up for the gaping hole where her heart should be. if someone asked (they never do) she thinks she might tell them "its being fixed." except…it never is. 

she tries and she tries and she tries so hard to glue back together the fragmented pieces of her heart, her mental fingers fumbling and slicing themselves open on the jagged glass. 

for that is her heart. it used to be soft, almost like a stuffed animal. but it hardened as she grew. hardened after the incident. 

and she thinks that maybe it's not that she lost the memory of who she was. maybe she never knew. maybe those boys just taught her what she already knew. that shes worthless. 

and so she practices. and practices. and strains her voice from the long hours recording. and she writes songs about the emotions she feels (or to put it more correctly, the emotions that pull her in and throw her against the jagged shore of hurt that is her mind) so strongly. those songs are never released. 

they supposedly dont fit her concept. 

but she writes more. and more. and more. and she tries. she tries so very hard to be good. 

a good leader. a good idol. a good girlfriend. a good daughter. a good friend. 

good. good. good. good. 

but in her mind shes just bad. 

bad. bad. bad. bad. 

this time shuhua finds her, drags her out of the studio and into the harsh sunlight. 

"why is it so bright?" soyeon blinks up at the luminous ball of fiery gas hanging in the sky (not that she can it that close. to her its just light) and stares at shuhua with squinted eyes. 

"well it is summer after all...wouldn't you expect it to be hot?" shuhua asks nervously, unsure of soyeons mood. 

when soyeon doesn't respond shuhua sighs, uttering a small annoyed "guess i'll just get to the point then.."

she pulls soyeon behind the building and pushes her back against the brick. 

her jaw is tight, tears pricking at her eyes, obviously trying to figure out how to tell soyeon something without ripping her to shreds. 

soyeons mind jumps to the worst. the inevitable. they were leaving her. 

"this cant keep going on." she knew it. she lowers her head, expression reserved. "soyeon look at me. you need to stop."

"what?"

"youre only hurting yourself by working this hard. whatever you think you have to prove...you dont!" shuhua beats her fist against soyeons chest. "why dont you get it? we dont want you to work this hard because we love you!"

"im not overworking myself." she says quietly, her voice echoing off the brick around them, sounding eerie. 

"oh yeah? you know seulgi dropped by? three times. and everytime we had to tell her that you weren't home and you couldn't hang out. youre never home. i miss you unnie. we all do." shuhua looks lost and small, almost helpless and soyeon feels the need to hug her. 

but she doesn't. "im fine."

"soyeon. yuqi is home more than you. and you know how yuqi is.." shuhuas hands are balled into fists, her nails digfing into her skin and soyeon wants to unfurl them and kiss every indent left behind. wants to tell shuhua that she'll come home. 

but if shes beating yuqi in one thing that means shes improving. helping them grow. their monster rookie label can't stay forever. and she needs to be prepared for when its gone. 

"i said im fine." her voice is harsh but shuhua just turns angry. 

"we're so worried about you and you just keep on fucking pushing us away!" her face is red and shuhua is nearly screaming.

soueon flinches from the scream and turns back to see shuhuas fists unfurl and teats streaming down her cheeks. 

and that, that hurts. because soyeon made shuhua cry. and that means shes bad at taking care of them. 

"unnie im lost...i dont know what to say or do to make you happy..you always seem to be sad...unnie if you don't want to be with us anymore just say...you know it'll hurt less. you havent been near us in weeks. you somehow take care of us but you refuse to let us do the same to you. almost like we're not good enough. unnie im just a kid. i cant do all this..." 

shuhua looks guilty as soon as she finishes speaking but doesn't make an apology. 

soyeon doesn't want one. shes realised how much shes cracked. 

and how much that's affected the others. 

she's realised that shes not keeping it together that well and shes hurting them in rhe process. making them feel unwanted and rejected. unloved. 

shes cracked, shards stabbing into her lungs, into her heart, fracturing her. 

and she falls apart. 

she shatters so quickly (how didn't this happen before?) 

her heart feels like its just been broken into thousands of pieces, piercing her lungs and clogging her throat until shes so far gone she can't breathe. 

a choked sob escapes her. she covers her face with her hands, trying to hide from shuhua. 

the younger doesnt let her. 

shuhua gently pulls soyeons hands away from her face and smiles. its shaky. wobbly. shuhuas eyes are glistening with her own tears. but its a smile. 

she kisses the tears away gently and holds soyeons hands lovingly in her own as her tears drip silently down her face. 

"hey," she says..gently, softly, kindly. "okay, okay baby lets sit."

she picks up the older girl with a slight grunt and supports herself over to a small bench where they both sit, soyeon still vacant. 

the tears haven't stopped falling. neither girl makes any move to wipe them away. 

"soyeon," shuhua asks uncertainly. "soyeon are you here right now?"

soyeon snaps into focus, still not wiping the tears but staring at shuhua. 

"shushu..i love you. im sorry. i love you all so so fucking much and im so sorry for making you feel like youre not enough. because youre more than enough," her voice is shaking. "youre more than i deserve."

"why..why would you deserve less than us?" shuhuas voice wavers with uncertainty. 

"shuhua my angel, have i ever told you about who i was before idle? before produce in fact?" her voice is strong now, not reflecting her terror. she's never told anyone this before. and telling shuhua would mean telling the others. 

no. shes strong. shes got this. 

"n-no? you had amnesia remember?"

"well..let me tell you a story." 

she sighs and settles against shuhua. "when i was younger. back in march of 2016 i'd just broken up with a girl. or well..she broke up with me and then i got bullied for being gay. you know how it is?"

shuhua nods, her face almost expressionless except for her taut jaw. 

"well in march, i was heading home at night. it was very dark and i was walking through an alley when some boys attacked me. one of them was kim woojin. the brother of my ex."

she hears a sharp inhale but continues on. 

"they cut me. slashed from my shoulders to my hips," she hears a gasp as shuhua realises where the scars were from. "my angel wings. then they beat me. shuhua every night. i wake up and i feel it. no part of me feels safe."

she shudders, trying to keep back more tears and shuhua places gentle kisses on her forehead. 

"baby you dont have to tell me anything else. its okay."

"no," she lets out a shuddering gasp and continues. "every part of me is tainted by them. i will never be good enough. for you. for the others. for the world. because they ruined me." she grabs onto shuhuas hand and squeezes, finding comfort in the warmth. 

"thats why. why i cant be properly...intimate with you guys. you're too perfect. ill ruin you." 

she feels her head being gently tilted up to look at shuhua. 

"then ruin me, my sweet, gorgeous angel."

––––––––––

though of course, thats not the end of that. they have to discuss absolutely everything. 

and maybe its just soyeons love clouding her thoughts but miyeon is really so beautiful when shes talking. 

"-and if we cant make you love yourself and be okay with your body i think maybe we can shower you in love? replace the love you cant give yourself with what we want to give you?"

she sounds unsure but the others agree almost immediately, yuqi evidently loving the idea of showering her leader and unnie in love. 

but soyeon is thinking. 

thinking that she has to move past this trauma and start to love herself. because its unfair to the others. 

and in her mind, she vows to never hurt them like this again. vows to love herself, if only to love them better. 

and soyeon feels so empty. like there was a hole in her chest and all her tears drained out. only then does she realise how much shes cracked. 

but she feels...light almost. she doesnt feel suffocated, pushed down by her thoughts and her heart weighs almost nothing. 

because for the first time in four years, there is a spark lit in her chest. 

a spark of hope rests under her heart, small but strong, defiant in its stength. 

its been so long since shes felt hope. that strange, unfamiliar emotion. for years she crushed it down, extinguishing any embers that may have lit a fire. because she didnt deserve hope. 

but the spark fills her chest with light. and it is almost tangible. to her, it tastes like lemonade and memories of an unscarred past. 

and perhaps she tastes a future where that scar will fade. 

soyeon smiles at the others wanly. "im tired. i should be heading up."

the others nod, stating that they too should be going to sleep soon, though its only 9pm. 

she rolls her eyes fondly as she leaves. 

––––––––––

soyeon lies down on her bed, not bothering to change or clean her face, her long skincare routine forgotten. 

the only thing she does is remove her hat and large shirt, curling up in her covers and thinking that she just might have a peaceful night. 

the door creaks open and she stirs to see yuqi, a worn bunny stuffie in hand. 

soyeons heart drops because no. yuqi was doing so well. how did she not notice yuqi slipping back?

yuqi only ever has googie when shes in her negative headspace. otherwise she has other stuffies. 

but yuqi was doing so well. she was learning how to love herself. 

yuqi climbs into bed and wraps her arms around soyeon. its familiar and yuqi quickly adjusts their position so soyeon doesnt have to move. 

whats not familiar in the least however, is googie being shoved into soyeons hands. 

shes never given him. what is going on?

soyeons questioning noise evidently catches yuqis attention as she smiles at soyeon. "you and googie made me really happy. i hope he can help you the same.."

"yuqi-"

soyeon doesnt know how to speak, is too afraid of crying and yuqi seems to understand. she just pulls soyeon in closer and laughs. "wanna sleep?"

and soyeon nods. but she doesnt sleep. 

long after yuqi is floating away she thinks. 

googie was yuqis comfort. she needed him to sleep. for her to be giving googie up must mean shes better. 

and surprisingly that makes soyeon think she can be haply. she thought once yuqi loved herself she would be left behind. stranded in a violent ocean of self hatred. 

but she has hope. 

because if yuqi can heal, why not her?

––––––––––

it’s not an easy process. it’s not like soyeon can suddenly declare that she loves herself and that she no longer hears the negative voices that are constantly her head, that with every beat of her heart she’s no longer being told she is not enough, will never be enough.

but it’s better. she’s getting so much better.

she doesn’t realise it at first, not until miyeon pushed her against their bedroom wall. 

they might only have a small height gap, but soyeon is completely trapped. and fully endeared as miyeon lifts a hand up and brushes back soyeons hair from her face, which has been cut a little shorter now.

“oh my days, you looked so good today.” miyeon presses the words into her skin, pushes them with the kisses she trails down soyeons cheeks, her jaw, her neck, all the way to her collarbones. and inks those words in a blooming flower of purple and red. 

she pulls aside soyeons shirt, and soyeon would be worried about the fabric tearing (its rather fragile..and expensive,) but honestly, she’s a little too comfortable under miyeons touch to protest. 

she even had a few moments in the dance practice mirror today, practicing expressions, and being happy with herself and who she is right now. she thinks that while she might need to work on them, her expressions are good enough to show, to be confident in.

if miyeon is any indication, soyeon could possibly be onto something.

“i had to tell all of them to leave you alone. soon you'll be batting them away from you," miyeons voice is teasing as she slips her hands under soyeons shirt, her fingers teasing their way up to her sports bra. 

the lights are on, and soyeon won’t let herself shrink under miyeons gaze, under the blindingly amazing feeling that her caresses give soyeon. the lights will stay on. 

she lets herself take, with only a little guilt, what miyeon is all too willing to give. 

and then after, when miyeon has wrestled her into staying in her bed and cuddling. after, when the others have piled around the room and onto the bed, miyeon only able to keep them away for so long.

afterwards, soyeon lets herself think she loves them all so goddamn much. more than she ever has and could have ever imagined, because she’s starting to love herself too. 

the spark inside of her is a flame now. one he’s keeping careful watch of, and one the others are handling with careful, considerate hands. making sure soyeon feels like she can burn so brightly she sets the world alight, if he just lets herself.

and she’s starting to. 

––––––––––

it’s started to feel like this.

like soyeons heart is beating again. glued together neatly by their love, golden shimmer lining the cracks that there were before. 

and oh does her heart beat. it is beating up, against her chest, expanding, taking up her whole ribcage with its rythm. 

it’s a loud declaration, a message that reverberates through her entire being.

a steady rhythm. it’s a song she isn’t quite familiar with, but one she’s doing her best to sing along to. and when she falters on the words as she often does (because its a hard journey to learn that song when youve lost the rythm for so long,) the others pick them up, singing those beautiful words right back to her. 

ba-dum. ba-dum. ba-dum.

you are enough.

and she will think one day, as she looks back. 

i am enough. 

her angel wings spread and they helped her fly.

**Author's Note:**

> so this took ten months. im actually in shock at how well it turned out. it was a vent fic that i never intended to see the light of day but wow holy shit. 
> 
> wow.
> 
> i mean please comment yall. feed my praise kink (lol jk) 
> 
> uh so if you enjoyed it you could,,,check out my [twitter](https://twitter.com/_misterchuu_?s=09) come scream at me or you could maybe look at my other works. im planning on publishing more gidle, i have a longform skz fic, planning an atz one and a bts poetic drabble so,,,,👍🏼


End file.
